“In certain areas of my life, I actively seek out solitude. Especially for someone in my line of work, solitude is, more or less, an inevitable circumstance. Sometimes, however, this sense of isolation, like acid spilling out of a bottle, can unconsciously eat away at a person’s heart and dissolve it. You could see it, too, as a kind of double-edged sword. It protects me, but at the same time steadily cuts away at me from the inside.”—Haruki Murakami (via blackestdespondency)
“i found god in myself
& i loved her
i loved her fiercely
& this is for the colored girls who have considered suicide
but are movin to the ends of their own rainbows”— Ntozake Shange, for colored girls who have considered suicide/when the rainbow is enuf (via wildbeardedbrownmanontheinternet)
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”—Thích Nhất Hạnh (via purplebuddhaproject)
I just finished watching Game of Thrones season 3 and I am really enjoying the series. A bit boring at times, but intriguing enough that I’ve watched all 3 seasons, 30 episodes within a matter of weeks. Not a small feat for a person that is easily bored with TV shows and movies. The closing scene of the season is Daenerys Targaryen freeing slaves and they call out to her “Mother!” She gives them their freedom and in turn they love her and long for her and they pledge obedience to her.
I believe that that is how it should be with humans and God. He allows us to be free without any punishment save that we would be without him but we love him so much that being without him is painful. Our heart aches when we are not with him. No threat of hellfire and damnation is needed. His love of us is enough to keep us close. That hit me like a ton of bricks (cliche, cliche). But it did. My heart swelled up and I longed for this God. I doubt that this God exists but I wish that he did. My heart aches for him. My whole body aches for him.
“It is a simple truth that if we identify ourselves as being fundamentally pure, strong, and capable we will actually develop these qualities, but if we continue to think of ourselves as dull and foolish, that is what we will become.”—Lama Thubten Yeshe
I’m wondering if all of my problems (or most of them) are a result of my thinking that I am a failure. It’s something to ponder … And I’m a sucker for a panacea. But those don’t exist, so I’m sure that thinking I am a failure is only part of the problem, but maybe it’s the biggest part? More on this later when I’m not sleep deprived …
Also … Reason. Integrity. Love. Is that all we need? Again with the panaceas …
“When we are immobilized by little things - when we are irritated, annoyed, and easily bothered - our (over-) reactions not only make us frustrated but actually get in the way of getting what we want. We lose sight of the bigger picture, focus on the negative, and annoy other people who might otherwise help us. In short, we live our lives as if they were on great big emergency! We often rush around looking busy, trying to solve problems, but in reality we are often compounding them. Because everything seems like such a big deal, we end up sending our lives dealing with one drama after another.”—Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff … and it’s all small stuff ; Richard Carlson, Ph.D
A few days ago I watched “Fame High,” a documentary about high school kids in an LA art school. Toward the end, as they were wrapping up the storylines, one of the students was talking about lessons she’d learned. One of those is that she has to let go of the fear of disappointing others AND herself. I was struck by the notion of letting go of the fear of disappointing oneself. How many times do I hold back because I don’t want to disappoint myself. How many social situations and goals have I avoided because I was worried that I wouldn’t meet my own standards? At the end of the day I’m probably doing myself more harm than good by avoiding disappointment, and thus avoiding life. Time flies, I’m 27 already. Before long I’ll be 30. It’s time to let go of the fear of disappointing myself and embrace imperfection …
I read something the other day that went something like this, “What if I told you that there was a drug that cured depression, helped you lose weight, helped you think clearer … Would you buy it? Well, that drug exists - It’s called exercise.” And I’ve been letting that marinate around in my brain. Not just about exercise as the cure but about a healthy diet and a healthy lifestyle. What if that’s all it takes? Because lately I’ve been feeling really depressed. Really low. Really shameful. I spent an entire day in bed feeling sad about my past poor decisions. I know it’s spilled milk but I’m still crying and the tears are real. I keep thinking about how one slight different move and I probably would not be where I am now. I wouldn’t have this two ton elephant sitting on my chest and my brain.
So I’m going to start exercising daily and eating at least one healthy meal (or increase fruits/veggies) daily. I’m also going to do some spiritual work because I’m sure that will help. The ultimate cure I’m looking for right now is a cure for a heavy heart. A cure that brings true peace and forgiveness. For now I’ll have to take it day by day.
To a certain degree I’ve made peace with certain religions and certain spiritual worldviews. At the end of the day we’re all just trying to be good, better people. And I’m happy for them if they’ve found something that resonates with them and encourages, coaxes and leads them into being better people. That’s what I’m looking for. That’s what I want. I’m no longer at odds with these religions and worldviews. We have similar ends, but different means.
Today as I was driving home from my parents’ house a little birdie whispered in my ear, “You’ve got to face your fear.” And I’m finally ready. There is no other way. I’ve tried to go around, but the only way out is through. This calm realization has the potential to change everything because everything I’ve held back on has something to do with fear.
In other news, I’m in the apartment alone. My roommate (found through craigslist) is interning at Google for the next couple of months. I am loving the time alone. I am loving the quiet. It’s lonely, but I am enjoying my own company. I like having a roommate, but having the “right” roommate is essential. Today my dad gave me his iPhone 3G and I’m excited, but it doesn’t have a front facing camera. Is it weird that that’s almost a deal breaker for me? How can I take selfies? Or face time / skype? I’ll give it a few weeks and see if I like it. If not I’ll just buy an android. #firstworldproblems
I hate that I have the personality that holds on to everything. I wish that everything rolled off me, and I wish that I floated through life unencumbered. Floating. Free. I’m working on it, but it goes against my nature. Despite the fact that I have I have existential tendencies, I still take so many things way too seriously. I try to remind myself that it’s not that serious.
I’m wondering if I should turn this blog into a “things I love/enjoy” sort of blog. Mainly. I’m sure there’d still be rantings, but I realize that I post a lot of music on facebook and the truth is that I love music. Who doesn’t? I’d love to talk about songs/albums/artist that I’m enjoying. I just wonder if that would hold enough weight for enough regular topics on this blog. I’ll give it a try …
“When you believe yourself to be ugly or worthless, it’s hard to project anything beyond that. Often you don’t even want to – after all, why attract attention to yourself when you’ve got so little to offer?”—Thom Yorke (via fearwithout)
“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days…Lightly, lightly—it’s the best advice ever given me. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly, my darling.”—Island, Aldous Huxley (via commovente)